I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
