you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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