the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
