saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
