Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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