I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
