Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize