dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
