is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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