I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
