She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
