you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
