Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
