please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize