You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
