Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
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