the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
