I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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