please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It was confusing and full of hummus
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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