So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
