i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
