when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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