Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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