Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
