My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
