I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
