too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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