Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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