My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
