Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
