I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
