Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
