did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
