Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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