you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
