I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
