I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
