did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
