if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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