Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
