it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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