This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
