she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize