So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
