i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
