that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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