Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
