You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
