if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
