I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize