I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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