Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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