i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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