last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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