You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
