It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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