I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
