That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
