When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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